I'm sure everyone is now aware of the swine flu cases that have started in Mexico and have now spread worldwide. I thought a few words about the flu, what it is, and what to do may be helpful.
Swine flu, Infuenza A or B, or any of the viruses in this class cause the same general symptoms. Flu is primarily a respiratory disease. That means it focuses on the lungs. Coughing, wheezing, gurgling, raspy breathing and shortness of breath are all symptoms. Many with the flu have trouble lying flat because they get short of breath and do much better in a recliner. Vomiting and diarrhea, commonly also referred to as the flu, isn't really. That is a GI infection and is another virus. Frequent calls to the clinic involve those symptoms and many become convinced they have the flu. High temps are also common. Up to 101 to 1102.5 and higher are common with chills and shakes. Sweats are part of this too. Muscle aches aka myalgia are very common and quite intense. The aches make moving a real chore. The flu shot this year didn't include the swine flu-this wasn't expected. So far it seems that we need to focus on those who were in Mexico within a specific time period and would fit the incubation period for this virus.
Complicating this is a virus that has been going around now for a about a month that isn't the flu, but has very similar symptoms-aches, high fevers, and fatigue. Though there is a cough with this one it isn't as bad as the regular flu. We have been seeing this in the clinic for the last month in children and adults. Antibiotics are useless against this and are only given if a secondary infection comes up that's bacterial. If we can determine you have the flu with our testing, you and your family would most likely be given tamiflu to take twice a day for 5 days. It's in short supply now so it should be reserved for true flu cases.
What can you do otherwise? Treat the symptoms. The aches and the temperature respond well to ibuprofen, naproxen, and acetominphen. You need to keep as well hydrated as you can. With a fever you burn off fluids fast. The more dehydrated you are the worse you will feel. If it gets too bad you'll end up at the hospital.
We have been asking people to call rather than come in if you are suspicious of having flu. Why? Exposure and contamination issues. You might be the most popular person in the waiting room if you come in coughing and expose people. We have to glove and gown in a room that has to be decontaminated after the exam. That is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. Right now the test for the swine flu is going to the state lab, and this is unusual. It takes longer to get a result from them. The result is more important for epidemiological reasons as the treatment is the same for all the flus.
I, like many of us, have been tracking this mess since election day and somewhere along the line I stepped into a parallel universe where the rules have all gone wacky. To wit -
Obama gets elected promising change. Advises against sending the same old politicians to do the same old thing and expect change. Gets elected and puts the same old politicians in the same old places and expects change? (Clinton, Emmanuel, Getes...)
Obama lectures us on sacrifice due from each of us. Then takes wife out to dinner on Valentine's day in Chicago at cost of millions of dollars. May have cut back by not ordering dessert.
Uses teleprompter more than any other president, even to help find bathroom. Who puts the words in in his mouth anyway?
VP Joe Biden is a walking, talking gaffe machine. He makes Norm Crosby sound like Winston Churchill. Are all the cylinders firing?
Obama promises never to sign a bill with earmarks in it and now plans to sign one with 9000 earmarks in it. Money to study manure odor, anyone? Obama lied and change died.
Promises to get out of Iraq and Afghanistan post haste. Just sent more troops to Afghanistan.
Nancy Pelosi has to be the most arrogant, pompous, politutard I have ever seen.
Economy is crashing, GM on the verge of bankruptcy, stock market crashing, Iran almost has nukes, Russia tells us to take a hike and our hard working president and his crack staff get busy.......picking a fight with Rush Limbaugh.
Economic crisis is upon us and our elected reps. step up to the challenge....by raiding the treasury of every last dime. Wisconsin's own Kohl and Finegold release thoughtful treatise's on the stimulus bill, going through it piece by piece, explaining why they are for or against each part. OK, I made that last part up.
In the face of a recession Obama plans to.....raise taxes. Smart move. I always do better when my taxes go up.
Wisconsin's governor Casino Jim Doyle rises to the occasion by slashing the state budget (sorry Mr. Orwell) and jacking up fees, taxes, considering toll roads, and legalizing photo speed traps (for safety, you see) which is just a toll road by a different name.
Major changes in welfard, immigration, health care and countless other programs are snuck through congress without nary a peep of debate. Good to know they subscribe to the mushroom theory.
And we're only 6 weeks into this. Why do I feel like there's a blunderbuss in the White House?
Oh, and of course its Bush's fault.
I haven't had a lot of time to blog but have collected some obervations going back to the coronation of Presidante Obama.
Looks like Obama finally found a democrat who may, and that is the operative term, may, have paid her taxes. His nomination of the Kansas governor for Health and Human Services was just announced. It is extremely hard to find any upper level democrats that actually play by the rules. Orwellism - "pay your fair share" literally means you, not them. They are sooo smart.
Faux news net MS-NBC set a record of Obasms during and after the coronation. If they keep this up they can write the Kama Sutra for news coverage. It must be a cause of shame for anyone there to be right handed.
Obama ran as a uniter but once in has set the record for being the most divisive president in American history. 6 weeks into his reign he has:
- spent over a trillion dollars we don't have, mostly for projects we don't need, and put it all on the credit card.
- abandoned a majority of his campaign promises in record time. Iraq - oops, changed his mind. Afganistan - didn't really mean that. Tax cuts? Did you really believe that.
- promised change by not using the same old people in the same old spots and expecting a different outcome. And then put the same old Clinton people in the same old spots expecting a different outcome. A lot of people must have "sucker" tattooed on their foreheads.
- Introduced incredible doublespeak into the political language i..e. tax cuts for people who pay no taxes. But he is sooo smart.
Obama tells us we must all sacrifice to help get out of the slump. He then spends millions of dollars to take his wife to valentine's dinner in Chicago. The result? MS-NBC has another Obasm.
Local politicos salivate over the thought of "free money" from Washington and come up with some of the wackiest ways to spend money to "get people back to work". Try this website out for size:
I really enjoy the 10 million for the Green Bay Police dept.'s public safety initiatives. Photo speed traps, anyone?
After reading other bloggers on this site and noting the various styles, I have decided that some are having way too much fun as they blog and I thought I would try their "styles" on for size, just to see how it looks and to join in on the blogging fun.
The first style I thought I would try is writing about Obama and his early performance but in the popular blogostyle of witty repartee with a underlying mean streak. Under this style criticism can be made, and no alternate solutions need be offered. Name calling is encouraged, and demonizing opposition is fair game. Lets give it a try......
Obama is now in his 3rd week of presidental on the job training and the lessons are coming fast and furious for our green, wet behind the ears, rookie.
1. When appointing people to your cabinet have the kids in the vetting room ask a few more questions such as "Have you paid your taxes?" Since you babbled on about people paying their fair share you really need to ask members of your own party if they actually do this. Or maybe democrats are the party of tax cheating, vote cheating, and fraud. Or maybe he couldn't find anyone for the job who was actually paid their taxes. This must be the change.
2. Get a dictionary and look up the word irony. When your new interior secretary stops the off shore drilling permit process stating we need to be deliberate and slow, and get public input, and you get in front of the camera and tell congress to pass a trillion dollar christmas tree - and in a hurry
3. El Presidente Obama proved he was truly a Knucklehead when he dissed the city of Las Vegas in his usual, poorly thought out, blurted out comments about the city. Go ahead and google them for good laugh at this rookie blundering his way through his term.
4. Joe Biden isn't far behind with his blender of a mouth, managing to continue to mis speak on a regular basis. I hereby dub him VP Norm Crosby. (Don't know who that is? Google it)
I see the local and state politicos are lining up for handouts under the Obama "stimulus" package. This has been a wild success as the mayor of Milwaukee and the governor of Wisconsin have been stimulated to ask for every whim, wish, and boondoggle they have ever wanted. Barrett of Milwaukee says a half billion should just about do it, give or take ten million or so. Of course this is free money, harvested off the money farms the government has in Illinois. The official name is the Government Infrastructure Materials and Methods Economic Edict or GIMMEE for short. How come Hartland isn't in line at the trough?
Dr. Richard Chambers passed away last Thursday. Dr. Richard was an institution in the Village of Hartland.
He started practicing medicine here at his Lawn street clinic (123 Lawn
St.) back in 1962, moving his practice to the then rural area from
Milwaukee. *** and his wife Helga had many children , both their own
and many who considered them parents. He was active in the community
even past his retirement. He and his son Paul recruited me to practice
at the then Hartland Clinic in 1982. A very skilled and caring group, it was a good fit for me and it successor is the ProHealth Care Medical Associates Clinic where I practice now.
*** always believed any medical clinic was only as good as the people who worked there and made sure Hartland Clinic was staffed by caring and loving people. He provided advice, training, and mentoring for me for which I will always be grateful. I didn't get to see him near as much as I should have in recent years, and now suddenly its time to say goodbye.
***, thanks for all you have done for this community, its residents, your friends and your family. You will be missed.
And yes, I will tuck my shirt in.
....and other myths
Hot and heavy into the political season its time to step back and take inventory....
1. Vote fraud and voter ID. This one is a no brainer. The lefts' baffling behavior with regard to trying something, any thing to prevent vote fraud is omnious for our future. Though maintaining that requiring even the most basic identification at the time of voting to prevent vote stealing is something we cannot do, just can't do! It is a not even an arguable point - unless you think that phantom voters, double, triple, and other multiple voters are a good thing, and that the dead should just keep on voting, you have to protect the very foundation of democracy. If you don't, as Jim Doyle, The Jurnal Sentinal, and the other usual suspects do, then you're saying that with a wink and a smile stealing votes is OK. As long as it promotes your side it can be ignored. Congratulations, you have shown what your character is really made of....your a cheat, morally empty and have ethics that are, well, very adaptable. Take this to the next logical step. If you'll steal my vote, what else will you take from me or from anyone? If you work in a bank, is my money safe? If you work in a school are my kids safe? Or maybe if you drive a school bus some of those inconvenient rules can be ignored. The larger issue is that if you're willing to violate the rules that represent the foundation of this country, then we'll have a new type of government. For your consideration the following quote:
A form of political behavior marked by obsessive preoccupation with community decline, humiliation or victimhood and by compensatory cults of unity, energy and purity, in which a mass-based party of committed nationalist militants, working in uneasy but effective collaboration with traditional elites, abandons democratic liberties and pursues with redemptive violence and without ethical or legal restraints goals of internal cleansing and external expansion. – Robert O. Paxton, The Anatomy of Fascism
This path is well traveled and end in the same place.
I read Jeff Blackwell's blog about the current campaign getting
nasty. I hope he wrote it with a streight face. I remember back to the
mid 70's when Gerald Ford was running against Jimmy Carter. Ford
bumped his head on a plane door and stumbled. He was labeled a
stumbling, bumbling fool, and noted liberals of the time said he played
too much football without a helmet. That was a clean campaign? In 1980
Reagan vs. Carter and Reagan was described as a stupid actor. After he
won he was accused of sleeping during meetings, being stupid and ,gasp,
dying his hair. That was 1980's version of clean, political
discourse. In 1988 G. H. W. Bush was described as bumbling, stumbling,
stupid, and retarded. Notice a pattern here? Clinton was smart,
articulate, compassionate, and our first black president. Hmmm. G. W.
Bush was and is described as stupid, inarticulate, out of touch, a
cowboy, and a drunk. All these were by learned, articulate, fair and
balanced repoters and columnists. Now we have Palin accused of faking
her pregnancy so that her daughter could deliver her baby
secretly..... So, time to dimount the rightous horse you ride. Your
credibility may be a bit tarnished.
On a Saturday morning trip to Madison to see my daughter and go to the Dane County Farmers Market (if you've never gone, its worth a trip. Vendors selling veggies, plants, meats, organic everything, and plenty of public displays of politics ring the capitol building. Quite a site) I saw two of the more interesting street displays. These are people who have set up small tables on the sidewalks of the capitol to display and promote their position.
The first was the people who believe that the World Trade Center 9-11 event was an inside job. George Bush, the trilateral commission, and perhaps the alien grays conspired to bring down the buildings. Explosives were rigged on each floor and three planes hijacked by government operatives to kill 3000 people and damage the pentagon. The purpose varies, from George Bush setting up this elaborate plot to avenge the assassination attempt on his father, to some even more loony thinking. "If you talk to any of the firemen in New York, they'll tell you there is no way those buildings could collapse...." Which ones? Well, just any of them. With no evidence, no one who was in the conspiracy breaking ranks, and one of the most implausible positions I have ever heard, this is one of the most flabbergasting things. When did the wheels leave the road?
Secondly I walke past a lone man with a hand written sign stating he was with vetrans for no more wars. As I walked by he and another fellow were discussing the previous nights debates. The one said "McCain just stared down at the podium and Obama was so presidential looking." He went on to riff on McCain. There you have it, the election in a nutshell. Dump those pesky issues and go with who's cuter, and a better presentation. I have often wondered why elections degenerate into silly negative commercials, personal attacks (just read some of the other blogs), and convoluted nonsense. It appears that is what the 20% of the "undecided" voters base their decision on. Those who consider the race a sports contest, waffeling back and forth from one candidate to the other based on "points scored" will decide the election. We deserve what we get.
ProHealth Care, whom I work for but don't speak for, announced the opening of a new 56 bed hospital in Mukwonago. It didn't take long for some reaction to appear in the letters to the editor decrying the new hospital and crying foul because of previous statements by Prohealth about expansion. I thought this really missed the point. When the political leaders of Waukesha County and Oconomowoc signed on for more "competition" in health care at the time of the Aurora approval this is what they wanted and now have. This is how competition in health care looks and how it is conducted. It's analogous to a medical arms race where costs are secondary and facilities and market share are first. Since most people don't shop around for the best rate on say, appendectomies, they choose based on convenience, service, quality, and many other factors. Your insurance company needs to have a contract with the health provider too.
I'm not sure it was clear at the time that this is what would result, but no one should be surprised. This "competition" will be ongoing, dynamic and both ProHealth and Aurora will have many more moves to come.
During this political season lets be reminded of these wise words.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and
should do for themselves.
I see that Wisconsin's own flaky senator extraordinaire Russell "Rusty" Feingold has taken to advising the Pakistan government
on their internal affairs. I am sure they were eagerly listening to
the sage advice from our senator. If not, he can show them how to enact
goofy election reform perhaps banning turbans and beards 30 days before
the election, or maybe he can show them how to get some mass transit
set up. Why is this man giving advice to the Pakistanis? When will he
start representing Wisconsin? Can you name two bills he has sponsored
that directly help this state. And don't give me the election reform
bill debacle - he and repubrocrat McCaine managed to screw up the
election process even worse than it was. For some unknown reason
Wisconsin voters have taken a pass on representation in the Senate.
Feingold, who lives in his own alternate reality, or "nobody's senator"
Herb Kohl who is, well, just there. Maybe we should just put the two
senate seats up for sale to the highest bidder and use the cash to
balance the state budget.
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom Beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.
You could have heard a pin drop.
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?
You could have heard a pin drop.
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found him self standing w ith a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
A group of Americans, retired teachers, went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
THREE THINGS TO PONDER
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Isn't it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government
could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to
the stall where she slept in the State of Washington? And, they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal
aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a
2. THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked
for over 200 years, and we are not using it anymore.
3. THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we cannot have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery 'and' Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians . . It creates a hostile work environment.
Milwaukee's mayor Tom Barrett has found a tax which will expire this
fall and is getting his shorts in a bunch trying to perpetuate it and
have the revenue come into municipal coffers. The 911 surcharge
created in 2005 on cellphones is set to expire this fall. It's
original purpose was to fund the technology necessary to do GPS
location of cell phones. That's all done now but Barrett is salivating
at the prospect of taxing phones - all phones - to help pay for police
and fire. He just can't help it, he found a tax that is set to expire
and thinks you just don't pay enough.
This is a gutless tax that is hidden and has nothing to do with phone service. If Barrett or any other municipal leader thinks your taxes are too low they should propose it up front and make their case, not try and sneak it in the back door.
This brings up the larger topic of taxes - all taxes - and how much do we pay. There is:
State income tax
Phone tax (surcharge and excise)
Beverage tax (beer, soda)
Tax on utilities - gas and electric
Park fees, license fees both auto, hunting, and drivers license
Special speeding/parking/jaywalking taxes aka tickets
Schools have special "fees"
Transfer station fees
Airline ticket and train excise fees, taxes, assessments, security assessments and the like.
and this could go on and on.........
Our political class has managed to fill every available nook and cranny, transaction, and daily living activity with taxes and fees. They have jammed packed things so tight that they are desperate to find another activity to tax - to get their fix. I wonder what total of your income actually goes to fund the bloated government. It would be interesting to track a weeks worth of activity to see just how much one pays.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including ***.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas..
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore a nd Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my l eg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Many Americans will get a $600.00 tax rebate.
If they spend the money at Wal-Mart, most
will go to China ; if on computers, to Korea
or India ; if on gasoline to OPEC countries.
None will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
The best way to do so is to spend it on beer,
gambling, or prostitution, seemingly the only
businesses left in the U.S.
I'm Elliot Spitzer and I approved this message.
Some more from the humorous side of things......
The Federal Mint is recalling the recently minted Wisconsin quarter
to replace the images on the back with an image of Brett Favre because
there has been an overwhelming number of Wisconsinites that want their
A cat died and
went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good
cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
California, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
2. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
3. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'honour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out with out suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
7. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get u sed to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys.&n bsp; Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the
South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America .
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen.
With the election today I finally saw some signs posted. I can't remember a local election where I didn't receive some mailing, saw some ads, or got a phone call promoting a local candidate. My county rep. is TedRolfs and the only thing I know about him is he favors parking trucks with "stop urban sprawl" banners in the Pick and Save parking lot. His opponent is unknown and I haven't seen any information about his views other than he is a small business owner.Sheesh.
The Gableman/Butler state supreme court race rapidly turned into a name calling, propaganda campaign with those silly ads filled with half truths and sinister black and white photos. WEAC's ads were particularly uninformative as they apparently picked up some pointers for name calling on the playground. Nice.
The Village of Pewaukee reversed their initial decision to deny a liquor license to the new Wild Wings restaurant on Capitol Drive. Lucky the trustees changed their mind or they would have paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to the restaurant in damages for their "mistake". Some village board members should read up on the open meetings law.
Could there be any more stop lights and stop signs on Hwy 83 from 16 south? Traffic engineers have turned this into bottle neck.
Here is a special prayer sent to me via email. I thought it bears repeating.
Best Prayer I Have Heard In A Long
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slowly through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together .
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to only share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those that are close to us, but to all humanity. L et us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.